Nae Hoochin Metter!

At yin time, ye cud hardly mair nor drive through a village ir a toonlan withoot seein a rake o grim faced men taakin pairt in a horse shoe contest. It deed awa fer a while but A'm gled tae see it makin a comebak, especially in the lakes o Mosside, Bendooragh & Stranocum. An mine ye, them thats at it taks it aa wile seriously! Tha Toon Rhymer tries tae bring this oot here. Ye'd think this boady wus headin tae a duel! Maybe in moanys a wye, he wus an aa!

Tha Title

Tha coontdoon tae tha hour wus bye

It wus sivin o'clock at last.

Sae A got up an A lifted mae hardware

Knowin fowk thocht mae prime wus past.

As A neared tha green, A sa tha gaitherin;

Fowk aa waitin fer tha ficht.

A swallad hard an quickened mae step

Fer this cud bae mae finest nicht.

Shinin steel glinted in tha sin,

A gien it mae aa an done fine

Aye, that wus tha nicht A throwed mae best

An tha Horseshoes Title wus mine!

Tha Hamecomin wus nae plantin!

Am no tha only yin who haes heared tha comin hame o wur ancestors caa'd a plantation. It wus a handy wye o makin tha Ulster Scotch fowk feel lake wae dinnae belang here an haes even bin tocht in wur schules. Tha Toon Rhymer haes anither opinion o tha hale trade.

Wur Hamelan Wus Aye Ulster

They keep taakin aboot a plantation

They say wae invaded this lan

They say we're misguided Irishmen!

Wie a loyalty tae a fool Rid Haun

Revisionists, historians an ither yins

Wud mak iz feel that wae dinnae belang

But gie mae a minute tae a show ye

Hoo they cudnae bae oany mair wrang.

Wur Dalriada forefaithers leeved here

As they had done fer hunners o years

They wur persecuted but kept oan gan

Tho it cost them aa sufferin an tears.

Eventually they set sail ower tha water

(They wur caa'd Scots in their new plaice)

The wye they'd bin forced oot o Ulster

Wus naethin shoart o a disgrace.

They settled in tha Lallans

An wrocht hard in their new domain

Aaways hopin, prayin an thinkin

That they micht see oul Ulster again

Centuries later King James tuk a notion

O settin Ulster bak oan hur feet

An sae he sent tha Lallan fowk hame again

Determined this time they'd niver bae beat

Sae its naw a 'plantation', its a hamecomin

Bak tae tha plaice whur we leeved lang afore

An this time we're naw gan tae lee it

As they did in bygone days o yore.

Here's a toast tae tha Ulster Scotch!

A'm prood tae bae here tha day.

Fer whither tha rest lake it ir lump it

It's in Ulster that we're gan tae stay!!

Wur Aakward Kin

Tha Ullans leid can bae used tae tell stories an gie accoonts frae days o yore but it can bae used tae gie an opinion on current issues an fowk forbye. Tha Toon Rhymer haes used it here tae tell iz aa aboot an oul aunt he had who, bae aa accoonts, wisnae aisy wrocht wie!

Mae Contrary Aunt

She leeved tae bae a year ower ninety,

An in aa them years she niver yinst spake

Withoot complainin o an ailment ir a seekness

A fever, an infection ir an ache!

She read a wee bit ivery day in hur life

It was aye tha death notices she read;

An if she seen a name she recognised,

Ye'd near hae thocht she wus gled!

Hur will was read yesterday moarnin -

She left aa she had tae hur doag an hur cat

An left wurd that she'd left iz naethin ava

An that naw yin o iz was worth even that!

Dunseverick Castle

Although tha Tourist Boord haes done gye little tae promote it, Dunseverick Castle is yin o tha maist important historical sites in an aroon north Antrim. Aye, there's naw a big loch o it left but its worth a luk at aa tha same. The Toon Rhymer was inspired tae screeve tha fallowin rhyme in it's honour.

Dunseverick Castle

A wheen o stane wa's are aa that's left

O Dunseverick Castle the day;

But at yin tim it wus a plaice o glory

Where Fergus MacAirt had tha final say.

King an owner o aa he beheld,

A can see him staunin lukkin ower tha sea

Or gan alang tha road tae Tara

Tae ficht wars sae his ain yins cud leeve free.

Hoo can aa that glory bae gone?

Why tak tha Throne tae Scottish soil?

If it has stayed, we'd hae bin pairt o a kingdom

Instead o twa wa's at tha tip o tha Moyle.

Beware o tha Doag!

If theres yin sicht that's aa too common aboot north Antrim it's a boady oot waakin yin ir mair greyhoons. But is tha keepin o greyhoons a hermless hobby ir is it a risky business? Tha Toon Rhymer haes a tale tae tell.

CURSE O THA DOAG

Mae da bocht a doag whin ages thirty-twa

He had 40 acres o lan tae his fairm

Mae ma wisnae heppy but mae da joost hooched

An said, "Sure haein a doag wull dae me nae hairm".

A mind thon miserable lukkin wretch -

As she rin ower ivery acre we had,

Mae granny toul mae ma tae pay it nae heed

It wus joost mae da gan through yin o his fads.

Whin tha oul boy eventually reached forty

His acres wur reduced doon tae ten;

Fer ivery shillin he bet oan thon doag tae win

Wus loast tae tha Bookies time an again!

So he bocht anither doag tae double his luck

But didn't he manage tae dae twice as bad!

An noo we're sittin oan less than an acre

Cas o a doag that drove mae da mad!

Let's naw forgyet wur deid

This wee rhyme wus screeved bae tha Toon Rhymer efter he had read an accoont o a weefla that shaped tae rin awa frae tha monotony o life at hame bae joinin tha army tae ficht in tha Furst Worl War. He wus frae aboot Seacon, atween Ballymoney an Coulraine. He niver leeved tae see tha war's enn. God bless him an aa lake him.

Frae Drills Tae Trenches

In a ten acre fiel, unther a blisterin sin

He laboured wie a spade an tilled tha grun

A young maun daein an ouler maun's work

Twalve lang hours a day wie nae tim fer fun

He snedded ivery turnip wie a brutal slash

Angry that this wud bae his loch in life

A damp, dark cottage he had fer a hame

Consumption had tuk his wean an his wife.

An then he hear't it - Marchin feet oan tha road

He stapped tae watch his freens settin aff tae tha war

They waved an they gouled oan their wye tae tha toon

Fer enlistment an trainin; tae bae stationed afar,

So he throwed doon his spade an rin ower tha fiel

He jumped ower a gate an faa'd in at tha bak;

But a wheen o months later he lay deid in a trench

A hapless young victim o tha General's latest attack.

THA QUARE DAY OOT

Mae earliest memory o tha Twalth o July

Was a wairm day oot in Bushmill

We got thar early whun thar was few aboot

But in nae tim it stairted tae fill

Banners went by iz, flutterin in tha breeze,

Tha great lambegs rattled oot thar rouls

Orangemen gouled an waved at tha watchers

An maun they wur lukkin lake gye heppy souls.

Flutin bands blawed tunes A know'd

Pipers played a Highland tune

Fer a youngster o only ten year oul

A felt lake tha furst maun that stepped oan tha moon.

Last year A tuk tha road bak tae Bushmill

An seen it again as a maun

Thar were that mony fowk aboot thon place

A cud hardly sit nir stan

It wus great tae enjoy tha great day oot,

An A'll bae bak at it again nixt year

Fer it med mae proud tae waak this time

Wie tha yins A'll aye houl dear.